Suggested song pairing for this blog post: It's Alright by Fractures
I could say I found a magical burst of conviction and declared, “I’m ready to get off the meds!” But that’s not how it happened. It happened much more gradually, much more quietly. Some days, I questioned if it was happening at all. Some days, the self-help gurus on YouTube made total sense to me. “Just focus on what you want,” they say, “it’s that simple!” “Surrender, ask the Universe for instructions, meditate, pray, listen.”
“I can do this!” I’d say to myself, “I’m strong! I’m capable.”
But then doubt, guilt and shame would inevitably find their way in.
“Who do you think you are Jessie? You can’t just live in the clouds and think your way out of this! You have a chemical imbalance in your body, only chemicals can fix that!”
Still, I was fixated on...
Suggested song pairing for this blog post: Sweet Architect by Emeli Sandé
I started curled in a ball on the blue carpet, in the little space between the end of my bed and the cherry wood dresser. It was just enough space for my little body to squeeze all the tears out – for my vocal cords to vibrate with frustration, anger and protest.
Who was I yelling at? Myself? My mother? My father? My husband, who??
My older sister, my younger brother, my precious children?
I went down the list…no one stuck, so I just kept yelling. I began yelling at life itself. Yelling at the lies, the facades I felt all around me. Yelling at the empty promises, the rules I followed, the disappointments I felt.
My vocal chords began to raw, but I cried until I was empty. Then I crawled in bed and went to sleep. When I awoke, my eyes could barely open, puffy from my tantrum. My head was a big grey cloud. I felt useless, defeated, ashamed and exhausted. Where was I...
Suggested song pairing for this blog post: I Was Here by Beyoncé
My life journey has taught me that power can be used for good, for harm, and for healing. And I have come to an understanding that all forms are necessary for our evolution toward a more conscious, more compassionate existence.
Growing up in the Midwest of America, I, like many, quickly learned to fit into the mold sculpted by my elders and the greater society. At a young age, I learned to heed their warnings with diligence…if you don’t do a, b, and c, you will not have x, y, and z.
So off I went to a top-notch university to get my ticket to a happy, successful life. What unfolded in that new space of freedom was uncertainty, confusion, and a deep desire for the truth I once knew… The truth that I came to this lifetime with a joyful, eager heart, and with a worthy purpose much greater than I could fathom alone.
This desire for my...